Honestly, I’ve been putting off blogging this week because things have been so busy and there has been so many things running through my mind. There have been a lot of spiritual battles for me this first week. From not handling the heat well, to not sleeping well at night, things haven’t been the greatest physically, and spiritually there are a lot of things that I have struggled with by just coming on this trip.
On arriving to Cambodia, I immediately fell in love with the fact that there seems to be little to no rules. The streets are a chaotic mess of motos, tuk tuks, and cars going in all sorts of directions with no apparent order yet it all flows relatively well. Buildings look as though someone gave up on a puzzle and just randomly fit different pieces together. The streets are dusty, but then everything is dusty. As a southwest Kansas girl, this makes everything feel more like home to me. The chaos makes me feel invisible to the world, yet curious eyes follow us foreigners wherever we go. These are the kind of thoughts that are running through my mind on an average day in Cambodia. I love it. It scares me. It makes me feel safe. I’m totally out of my element. I’m at home.
I feel as though Satan has used this confusing combination of feelings to really bring me down spiritually. Over the last few days I have struggled greatly with negative thoughts and a general lack of motivation. I feel largely ineffective and discouraged. What do I really have to offer these people? Building relationships with my teammates has been a blessing, but has also been extremely challenging for me. There is a lot that I have to learn about myself on this trip, and to learn about others.
As you’ve probably read from other posts, we traveled around Cambodia the past five days, due to fact that we arrived here on a five day holiday. Some of the stops along the way included Siem Reap, Battambang, and Pursat. Going on a trip around Cambodia was a huge blessing, as we were able to get a view of the countryside, explore temples, and were able to witness the lives of a missionary family that lives here. Even in the midst of all of those wonderful things I still felt like there was a great amount of room for Satan to mess with my emotions and discourage my attempts to learn. I would like to say that I have overcome these frustrations already, that my first week in Cambodia was a week of nurturing team relationships and making deep connections with Cambodians. Instead, I will say that I feel confident that these things will happen some day, and that I’m confident God will use my current struggles and that of my teammates to make us stronger.